“Depression is living in a body that fights to survive, with a mind that tries to die.”

I am clinically depressed. My Doctor told me that at my last appointment but given the circumstances, with my son passing, she said she could understand why. I’m not sitting in a dark corner of a room crying every day, depressed…I’m just depressed. I fight it daily. I struggle to get myself moving every single day but I get myself going. I find that once I’m in motion I’m ok. I find the most trouble at night. I can’t sleep so I take the medication my Doctor prescribed to help relax me. I only take half cause that’s all I need. I try not to let my mind wander cause then it gets worse so I keep busy.

I’ve had bad days where I just didn’t want to leave the house or talk to anyone. I avoid talking to people when I’m feeling really down but the funny thing is that when someone else is having a bad day I reach out & try to help them. I just don’t want to be a burden to anyone else, that’s just me.  At one point my husband told me to find a therapist cause he thought it would make me feel better but I don’t see the point in paying someone to tell me what I already know. I’m sad cause my son died a very painful death at an early age. I have to find a way to get over it. I don’t need to pay someone hundreds, possibly thousands of dollars to tell me I did everything I could.

My son very much wanted to live and that is the pain that I still hold on to. I’m slowly learning to move on at my own pace and I guess that’s the moral to this story. Every one has to learn how to deal with their own depression their own way. We’re not all made the same way and we certainly don’t deal with depression the same. We all have to find our own way. There is no right or wrong way as long as it makes you feel better & it’s not detrimental to your health then it’s not wrong.

Trying to come out of this depression has been a full time job for me. I put on a happy face for my family even when I don’t feel like it cause I don’t want them to worry about me. What does “MY” depression feel like? It’s a pain in my heart. It’s a heaviness that I just can’t get rid of. There are some days that it doesn’t feel as heavy as others but it’s always there. I was reading a bereavement blog where one mother wrote you never get over it you just learn to live with it and that’s when you can truly move on.

I’m trying my best to adjust to this new life with this added weight…my heavy heart that I now have to learn to live with.