“A few times in my life I’ve had moments of clarity where the silence drowns out the noise and I can feel rather than think.”

I did exactly what I intended on doing today which was escaping everything & everyone and going up to the mountains to be alone. It was first thing in the morning right after the kids went off to school & my husband went back to bed so I was able to just go without being on the “clock” and disappear for a little while.

It was extremely foggy & misty so I knew no one would be there. On a good day there’s usually no one around so on a crappy day like today I knew I’d have this certain spot all to myself.

I did a lot of stretching & then some Yoga for about an hour and a half whilst listening to the birds singing & the crickets chirping. I thought about my life up to that point, things that made me happy, things I’m grateful for & things I should be grateful for.

I sat for a little while looking out past the trees into the fog and I felt fortunate to have lived up to that moment. My life is far from perfect but I was relieved to feel this tremendous inner peace inside. The peace comes from knowing that I’m a good person, I have an honest heart & I can sleep with a clear conscience each night. I’ve always tried to help others & often go out of my way to do so.

Yes, sadness still exists in my life (it always will) but I knew at that moment, that every single day I HAVE TO choose to find that inner peace within me. No one can do it for me, I have to do it myself. Even if the happiness comes in short bursts of moments I still have to enjoy them when they do happen.

Sometimes you have to step away from the chaos of life to get back in touch with yourself. I will continue to remind myself every now & then that I NEED TO do something every single day that brings me peace, puts a smile on my face & makes me happy.

“Your soul will always be drawn to the people, places and things it needs to heal, grow and thrive.”

Instagram used to be my happy place. It used to be my escape from the ugly reality of the world cause I immersed myself into the Yoga community & surrounded myself with like minded people full of positive energy and fitness goals.

Now I find the place that was once my refuge has now become breached.

Just when I thought I was starting to come to terms with my sons death from Cancer yet I see many, many messages about yet another person who is dying from Cancer. I thought I could be supportive (which I was) but I found myself sinking back into that deep depression I was in when my son first passed. I’ve been declining emotionally and where I saw progress with my acceptance of my sons disease now I find myself questioning once again “Could I have done more”.

I thought I was ready to be a support system for others who are battling this ugly disease but it’s clear I’m not. Just because I’m smiling & laughing on the outside doesn’t mean I’m whole. I’m still very much broken on the inside. Not everything on the surface is what it appears. I’m still battling the aftermath of Cancer & I can’t be present for my family if I’m falling apart every time that wound gets re-opened. I’m taking another break from IG cause I just can’t deal with all the sad notifications. I don’t even watch TV anymore cause I break down every time I see all the Cancer commercials especially the St.Jude kids.

Now my only escape is the place I love, the place I’ve always loved from Day 1, the mountains. My only solace, my only escape where I can clear my head and actually take a deep breath.