Category: Blogger

Olympus gained a new God

This is my handsome son, David. He is known in the gaming community as the illustrious “ALLIED”.

I can’t pretend to understand the gaming community or that world in all its entirety. All I can tell you is that he was ahead of his time. He started delving into the gaming world as early as his high school years. I can remember waking up in the middle of the night to get a drink of water and I heard David on his computer (back then I called it “playing video games”) but the correct terminology is “gaming”. I would tell him to shut it off and he would grumble and the next day go to school looking like he slept 2 hours. It got to the point where I had to shut off the router (located in my bedroom) to get him to go to bed at a reasonable hour. He would get angry but I held my ground. I told him school comes first and he couldn’t stay up all night “playing video games” on a school night.

Eventually he graduated high school and moved in with his grandparents because they undermined me and pretty much let him do whatever he wanted and he began gaming full time. I worried about him, his future and his mental health. I asked the typical questions: How are you going to make a living from this? What about health benefits? What about retirement? I didn’t get much of a response. He was still a teen, fresh out of high school so I don’t think he understood the concept of long term & short term goals.

At some point he progressed in the gaming world and got so good he became part of a team. This team won their first championship, and it just snowballed from there. He travelled around the United States, all paid by Sponsors. I must admit he did pretty well for himself but I still worried about his future regardless. I always let him know how happy I was for him and anytime I spoke to him I asked how he was feeling or if he needed money, lol. Gaming is an unconventional way to make a living (in my humble opinion). Call me old fashion. 🤷🏽‍♀️

David met a girl during his travels (a groupie) and eventually settled down and moved in with her. He was making steady money gaming & streaming live. He lived in GA and I lived in NY. We kept in touch but not as much as I would’ve liked. He led a very busy life gaming & traveling and I was still working and caring for my other two children, one who is severely autistic.

One day David called me and told me he had something to tell me and asked if I was sitting down. I thought he was gonna tell me his girlfriend was pregnant. I asked him what was going on. I will never forget how flatly he told me, “I have Cancer”. I remained calm and asked some questions then told him to have the Dr call me directly and that I would come out to GA for all the testing. I told him not to worry and that we would figure this out. He was cool as a cucumber during our conversation. As soon as we hung up I dropped to my knees and sobbed like a baby. I found out later on by his girlfriend that as soon as he hung up with me he cried as well.

I will never forget that phone call for the rest of my life. He was only 24 yrs old when he got diagnosed with Stage IV Esophagus Cancer.

We’re not allowed on the couch….. Right?….Gotcha!

So today the local Animal Shelter got a donation from “Allied’s Wings” 🤗

We donated a brand new XL orthopedic dog bed that my chocolate lab (not pictured) has never bothered to lay in and 2 cat beds that my cats just thumb their paws at. I also donated a giant watering bowl that my little dog uses as a swimming pool along with gently used cat and dog collars that are in excellent condition that I collected as extras over the years.

My animals never slept on the pet beds that were purchased for them but they managed to find their way on my couch! They all know enough to stay off while we’re home but in the morning when we wake up they are all miraculously snuggled up like little angels on the couch like they belong there.

It’s almost comical! Their pet beds are just as comfortable, if not MORE comfortable than my couch but they prefer the couch 🙄 I’ve tried everything and have even resorted to the dreaded kitty marijuana (cat nip) & the most that’s happened on the pet bed is that the cats got high off the kitty nip & slept their high off my couch or my bed 😂

They obviously win 😂

“The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others”

So here it is! The official launch of

“Allied’s Wings” 🤗. A charitable organization dedicated in my sons honor to donate services or goods to local charities.

I actually started this soon after my son passed by donating money to St. Jude’s Hospital for Children in my sons memory and I did it again this year as well. I will donate to St. Judes every year on the anniversary of my sons death.

On the first Christmas after my son passed, I donated four huge bags of toys for the children’s wing of the hospital where he died. It was important for me to give back because the hospital staff took such good care of my son and our family while he was hospitalized.

This year I decided to make it official by creating our organization name & giving out cards to every outreach program we come into contact with with our info. I want my son to be remembered for the kind and generous person he was. I want to continue his legacy by helping others and spreading his message to help others in need. I will write more about him in future blogs.

Our charitable services will not be limited to Cancer Hospitals. We will outreach to Veterans Programs, Senior Centers, Animal Shelters, Homeless Shelters, Big Brothers/Big Sisters and other programs. I’m really excited about this!

My sons birth name was David but the gaming community knew him as “Allied”. He was a personable, kind, funny, sweet, extremely generous and lovable young man.

So the name “Allied’s Wings” is born because our wings will help others fly.

“Eventually all pieces fall into place”

Wow! It’s close to one year since I’ve written a blog & 2yrs since my sons passing.

I’ve done a lot of soul searching & healing since then, thankfully with the help of my therapist. She is really good at picking my brain and helping me figure myself out. ☺️💕

I’m not gonna say I’m still not hurting or angry because there are days that I have my moments (I’m still a work in progress) but I can say I’m in a MUCH healthier place than I was when my son first passed. I am definitely a lot happier and more in control of my emotions.

My therapist said there is no time frame for grieving or healing. It’s through therapy that I slowly developed some ideas of honoring my sons memory & it’s truly helping me heal 😌🙏🏽

I have some great projects in the works that I can’t wait to share soon. 🤗💛

“Speak when you are angry & you will make the best speech you will ever regret!”

I know anger means there’s a whole lot of pain underneath. The anniversary of my son’s death is coming up in another month & my anxiety has been slowly building. It’s around this time last year his health started to decline & all those painful memories are starting to flood my mind again.

I think I’ve done a pretty decent job this past year keeping my anger, anxiety & depression in check. I’ve kept myself extremely busy & I’ve stayed active. I speak to my husband regularly when something is on my mind & I cry a couple of times a week when I’m alone. I’m on a waiting list to see a therapist but my appointment isn’t until January 2019. Good thing I’m not suicidal 🙄

I have tons of anger issues with people who I feel made an already horrible situation 10x worse. My husband & I did 99% of all the leg work with my son’s treatment & care…and we would do it all over again. On top of that we were caring for our youngest son, who is severely autistic. We never asked anyone for help nor did we expect anyone to lend a helping hand although we would’ve appreciated an offer with help babysitting and/or transportation, but it was never offered.

What STILL angers me to this day is how, at the very end, after my son passed, people who were never there for his entire year of hellish treatment suddenly appeared out of nowhere to take credit like they were all Mr & Mrs Super Heroes?! People, who didn’t even bother to reach out to my son or us are now gonna judge me on what kind of a service I was having. Now that my son was dead everyone wanted to turn this into a big social event. Everyone was too busy worried about pleasing his social media fan base, people who were virtual strangers to us.

Yeah, I was pretty angry! There were a lot of fighting that went on amongst family members at the end. Everyone was too busy dictating to me what kind of service they wanted but not one person stopped to ask me what I wanted and I’m the mother! Till this day it still doesn’t sit well with me how the whole thing went down.

Basically at the end there were two separate services. I had the quiet church service and “the other side” had their big social gathering somewhere else. My son’s body stayed with me. The second service wasn’t the problem. It was the family members who hosted it portraying themselves as martyrs…that was a problem for me. They put on this big show like they were all there for him throughout his treatment and not one of them….NOT ONE did a damn thing for him! It was all so phony! My son did not speak to the other side of the family. There was bad blood between him & my ex-husband which caused him not to stay in touch with everyone else.

I also got pushed to the side, like yesterday’s trash, while my son’s ex-girlfriend was put on the grieving widow pedestal. Can we place an emphasis on the “ex” part please but on social media she’ll have you believe they were ready to walk down the aisle 😣. They were broken up for 5 months prior to his passing. She was capitalizing on his Cancer (I felt for fame & self serving pity) ever since he was diagnosed because he was a famous gaming personality on social media & everyone knew her as his “on again off again girlfriend” 🙄. I’m not saying she didn’t love him but there were issues. Meanwhile I found out she moved in with some other guy about four months after he died so I think she bounced back pretty nicely. I could write a whole other blog on all the issues I had with her & their relationship because she lived under our roof for an entire three months before he broke up with her & threw her out. Come to think of it., I will!

So yeah, I have a lot of unresolved anger issues and his one year anniversary is coming up and I’m doing the best I can to continue to keep myself in check.

“The hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross and which to burn”

crossroadsWhat do you do when you’ve reached crossroads in your life? Do you go left or right? It’s time to make a crucial decision that may or may not have life changing consequences.

You need to trust in your instinct. I think we all know deep down inside what the right thing is. We face conflict when the right thing doesn’t feel good but we ultimately know it is the right thing to do. Like walking away from a bad relationship no matter how much time you’ve invested, making a decision when a loved one is ill, or telling a friend a truth that they may not want to hear. If you know deep down inside your decision is made with the best intentions & good faith then you have to trust yourself.

How about new experiences that come into your life that you’re unsure of when you’re so used to the old and familiar. You’re fearful of the unknown so you proceed with caution. That’s ok cause we’re all human. I think the same concept applies. Trust your instinct & go forward with good intentions in your heart. It’s better to have tried & failed than have regret for not trying later on.

Take a deep breath & go with it.