“Speak when you are angry & you will make the best speech you will ever regret!”

I know anger means there’s a whole lot of pain underneath. The anniversary of my son’s death is coming up in another month & my anxiety has been slowly building. It’s around this time last year his health started to decline & all those painful memories are starting to flood my mind again.

I think I’ve done a pretty decent job this past year keeping my anger, anxiety & depression in check. I’ve kept myself extremely busy & I’ve stayed active. I speak to my husband regularly when something is on my mind & I cry a couple of times a week when I’m alone. I’m on a waiting list to see a therapist but my appointment isn’t until January 2019. Good thing I’m not suicidal 🙄

I have tons of anger issues with people who I feel made an already horrible situation 10x worse. My husband & I did 99% of all the leg work with my son’s treatment & care…and we would do it all over again. On top of that we were caring for our youngest son, who is severely autistic. We never asked anyone for help nor did we expect anyone to lend a helping hand although we would’ve appreciated an offer with help babysitting and/or transportation, but it was never offered.

What STILL angers me to this day is how, at the very end, after my son passed, people who were never there for his entire year of hellish treatment suddenly appeared out of nowhere to take credit like they were all Mr & Mrs Super Heroes?! People, who didn’t even bother to reach out to my son or us are now gonna judge me on what kind of a service I was having. Now that my son was dead everyone wanted to turn this into a big social event. Everyone was too busy worried about pleasing his social media fan base, people who were virtual strangers to us.

Yeah, I was pretty angry! There were a lot of fighting that went on amongst family members at the end. Everyone was too busy dictating to me what kind of service they wanted but not one person stopped to ask me what I wanted and I’m the mother! Till this day it still doesn’t sit well with me how the whole thing went down.

Basically at the end there were two separate services. I had the quiet church service and “the other side” had their big social gathering somewhere else. My son’s body stayed with me. The second service wasn’t the problem. It was the family members who hosted it portraying themselves as martyrs…that was a problem for me. They put on this big show like they were all there for him throughout his treatment and not one of them….NOT ONE did a damn thing for him! It was all so phony! My son did not speak to the other side of the family. There was bad blood between him & my ex-husband which caused him not to stay in touch with everyone else.

I also got pushed to the side, like yesterday’s trash, while my son’s ex-girlfriend was put on the grieving widow pedestal. Can we place an emphasis on the “ex” part please but on social media she’ll have you believe they were ready to walk down the aisle 😣. They were broken up for 5 months prior to his passing. She was capitalizing on his Cancer (I felt for fame & self serving pity) ever since he was diagnosed because he was a famous gaming personality on social media & everyone knew her as his “on again off again girlfriend” 🙄. I’m not saying she didn’t love him but there were issues. Meanwhile I found out she moved in with some other guy about four months after he died so I think she bounced back pretty nicely. I could write a whole other blog on all the issues I had with her & their relationship because she lived under our roof for an entire three months before he broke up with her & threw her out. Come to think of it., I will!

So yeah, I have a lot of unresolved anger issues and his one year anniversary is coming up and I’m doing the best I can to continue to keep myself in check.

“Worrying does not empty Tomorrow of it’s troubles, It empties Today of it’s Strength”


I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase “It is what it is”

Well not to sound so cold or heartless but it’s true. If there is a predicament…whatever the situation may be what good does it do worrying about something? Be proactive and do something about it.  “It is what it is” means that it’s already happened right? So what can you do to change it? Can you do something to improve the outcome of what has already happened or can you improve your reaction to the outcome? Are your actions going to change anything? Can your actions make things worse? Whether good or bad, can you learn something from the situation & let it make you stronger & wiser?

It’s something to think about…….

Strength doesn’t come from what you can do, it comes from overcoming the things you thought you couldn’t

clipped super soldierWhat makes you strong? I don’t mean physically, I mean all that emotional yucky stuff?

It’s so easy to fall apart in situations where things seem so hopeless & it’s ok to have a moment….but let it just be a moment because if it’s anything more you’re wasting time.

It’s exactly one year ago today my oldest son got diagnosed with Cancer at the age of 24. That was the darkest moment of my life. I remember when he called me, I remained calm on the phone (he lived out of state at the time) & I told him I would go out there and we would figure it out. After we hung up, I dropped to my knees & curled up like a baby and sobbed for 1/2hr.

It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions since then but I can definitely say I’ve grown stronger. I refused to let him or any of my other children see me fall apart. I always keep a smile on my face & let him know that he will not go through this alone and he hasn’t. I remember on one of his MANY hospital admissions he was in pretty bad shape. He looked at me and told me “You know I’m gonna die right” and without missing a beat I told him ” We’re all gonna die, tomorrow is not promised to any of us and you have to make the best of each day.” He was discharged from the hospital 2 weeks later & has been making the most of his life. He’s been traveling with his friends and still working his dream job streaming for Smite Games.

It’s something I think about a lot ever since his diagnosis….Tomorrow is not promised to any of us….make the most of each day cause you never know. That thought alone….that’s what keeps me strong.