“Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn’t know you had, & dealing with fears you didn’t know existed”.

It seems that we’re coming full circle with my sons Cancer diagnosis. I remember this time a year ago he was at his worst physically. He lost an unbelievable amount of weight, couldn’t eat, in pain all the time and could barely walk. About a month after treatment he seemed to make a full recovery. The pain was gone, he was walking…even hiking & biking at one point and gained so much weight he was talking about diets, lol.    I vividly remember our appointment after his first Pet-Scan, nervously awaiting the news about his treatment progress. The Oncologist came in and the first thing she did was hug him and said the scan showed there was no trace of Cancer in his body. I cried from happiness. She said we would continue treatment “as is” because it was working.

It seems now the Cancer has slowly crept back into his body… maybe it was never gone and just hiding. The Oncologist did say at the first appointment that the type of Cancer he has is very sneaky & aggressive. That’s why he had to continue treatment even though the scan showed no trace of it. She said his type of Cancer “hides” and waits to come out. Well she was right. My sons health has slowly declined over the last few months.

He’s back to the same physical shape he was in when he first got diagnosed, even worse. He’s losing weight at a rapid pace and could barely walk. It seems this sneaky Cancer has resurfaced and attached itself to his Lungs and Spleen. This time the chemotherapy is not working and they recently started him on Immunotherapy. He’s become depressed and is starting to push all family members away. This is the most fear I’ve ever felt as a mother. I can’t make this better! This is the one thing I can’t fix! It’s getting harder & harder to put on my “game face” but I still do.

He now has a mini portable Oxygen tank cause he’s having trouble breathing. How do you lift someone’s spirits when everything seems to be falling apart all at once? I continue to keep calm in my heart because if I fall apart now I’m not helping anyone. I have been praying daily for God to give me strength so I can help see him through this terrifying journey.

As a mom, my kids have always come to me for solutions. I always “fixed” everything or made it better. My heart is shattered because this is the one time that I feel like I’ve failed him.